It is Sunday, early evening. I opened this document to write this morning and wrote these two sentences.
o What did I do?
o Guilt and second-guessing myself.
I am not a stellar writer; I would like to say basic at best. My personality test tells me I am “real life, logical,” which is so true. I am not good at fluff. I may not even be good at keeping you interested in this blog post. But I want to write more & I believe with more practice I will improve.
I will work to make posts that express the ups and downs of chronic illness. For many years I thought I was stronger than the disease, and Endo did not affect my life. Again, that is what I thought. The past few years it’s become more evident that I need to be aware and I would even dare to say cautions. But to stay on track, I want to tell you a quick story about this weekend.
I live in Michigan, and the Great Lakes surround us. Of course, if you live here, you love a freshwater lake. I love lakes, cities, and mountains. I am weird.
Boating is a fun activity for us lake people. A friend of ours (my hubby & I) has a beautiful boat that we enjoy going on. Fresh air, wind in the face, you know taking a break and feeling alive. I would say this is one of my happy places.
Last Summer, I did not attend a boat outing. I was very sick. Where typically this would be an every weekend occurrence.
Back to yesterday…
We were invited on the boat; I was on the fence mostly because I was anxious. I was apprehensive about the heat, the lack of a real bathroom, and the lack of control on the day. When you go out on the water, there is typically a group of people, and it’s an all-day event. There is no “going back”. Being a person who does not like to shift the status quo, I get very nervous thoughts that come to mind:
What if I don’t feel right and need to go back?
What if my stomach is a mess and I need to use a restroom?
What if everyone is drinking and I don’t feel well, but they don’t care?
What if I pass out?
Now being the rational person, I am, I know this is all irrational. You cannot live in the “what ifs.”
I still reacted poorly before leaving the house. I wanted to go but also did not want to go. This always puts B in an odd position. So, I decided to go to make him happy, Now I WANTED to go as well but sometimes choose to stay home due to fear.
We go…and guess what we had a great time.
I was in some pain but made the best of every minute and none of the items I feared happened. (of course)
Since I did not plan to go, I was not prepared to go (lots of food, water, etc.) Due to this I did not eat and only drank about 30oz of water. It was 98 degrees and felt like 110 outside. Honestly, I did not feel very hungry or thirsty.
We went to grab dinner after the boat ride (which was about 6 hours later), and I had a hard time eating, I was hungry, but I was also very full.
We arrived home and rested. I went to sleep pretty quickly.
When I awoke in the morning, I already knew. I woke with the burning, stinging pain shooting down my left leg and up my back. I limped to the bathroom and got back into bed.
I do not want to assume its Endo; I begin to second guess everything.
Maybe it was my work out?
Maybe it was too hard?
Maybe I lifted wrong?
Maybe I am dehydrated? (yes)
Reality. I went out in super-hot weather on a boat and did not eat food or drink nearly enough water. Endo feeds on inflammation; everything I did yesterday leads to being inflamed.
But should I still have to try, right?
This is where the guilt, denial, and second-guessing myself comes to play.
Today will now be a full rest day, well I did get ice cream (dairy-free of course) for National Ice Cream day.
I should not have to live in fear, but I do. Do I regret going? No. Do I feel guilty wasting my Sunday, yes? But I am grateful it’s the weekend and not a workday.
We have to do things that scare us. I work to live that way, I never know what the consequence will be, but none of us do.
I want to live happy and free, as well as ensure B does not have to live handcuffed to this disease. That pains me like no other. I never want to be a burden or hold anyone back.
The pain is so high on the left side of my body I keep thinking maybe I slipped a disc in my back or pulled a muscle, but I know deep in my heart its Endo letting me know it’s there and I overdid it.
This disease is a mystery to me and most of the world yet 1 in 10 women have it. No two cases are the same.
I feel sharing my story about it will hopefully help others not feel alone.
We are 200 million strong.
This weekend’s lesson; do things that you fear and take care of yourself.
Thank you for reading.